From the Director’s Chair
Notes from Executive Director Leslie Abraham

Happy Birthday, Child Centered Solutions! CCS has been in operation for one full year now, providing much needed services to children and their families! We could not have done it without your support.

This past year has been a time of amazing growth at CCS. We have expanded our staff to include a second full-time attorney in Multnomah County and a part-time contract attorney in Columbia County. In partnership with Columbia Community Mental Health, we have launched educational support groups dedicated to helping families cope with the trauma of divorce. Our first seminar, featuring nationally renowned researcher and speaker Joan B. Kelly was an amazing success, attended by 135 professionals. We are looking forward with excitement to our full-day training on effective representation of children on November 30, 2007 at the World Forestry Center in Portland. And most importantly, with your help we have given voices to 52 children in domestic relations cases!

CCS has another reason to celebrate – we moved to a new office space! Thanks to the generosity of Stahancyk, Kent, Johnson & Hook PC and American Industries, CCS now resides on the first floor of Athena Plaza, located at 808 SW 15th Street. We are hard at work making our space as child-friendly as possible so that our clients and their families feel at home. To that end, we are in search of toys and games, small bookcases or toy boxes, couches, end tables and area rugs to create a more welcoming environment. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation of any of the above items – our clients thank you!

Thank you for your continued support – we could not do it without you!

Spotlight on Our Child Clients

*As always, the names of our clients and any identifying details about their lives have been changed to protect their privacy.

CCS helps families find their way back to each other.

Carlos* had a fight with his father and had rarely seen him in the past year. Carlos’s mother was angry with Father for her own reasons and she used the falling-out between Carlos and his father as an excuse to cut off Father’s parenting time. Father let his own frustration and anger at the situation spill over into the few visits he and Carlos spent together, which further distanced them from each other. Carlos felt that Father refused to see that they had their own issues to work through, which had nothing to do with Carlos’s mother.

The court appointed CCS to assist Carlos during Father’s motion to enforce his parenting time. CCS helped Carlos voice his concerns about his relationship with Father. We advocated for a new parenting plan that allowed Carlos and his father to become reacquainted with each other and try to resolve their issues in counseling; as they grew more comfortable with each other, their parenting time together increased. CCS also helped Mother to respect Carlos’s relationship with his father and recognize that, in order to grow up happy and healthy, Carlos needs strong bonds with both of his parents.

Quote of the Month:

“Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”

- Franz Kafka, novelist, legal clerk, insurer and inventor of the hard hat (1883-1924)

Telling Your Children About The Divorce
Excerpted from Divorce For Dummies, 2nd edition by John Ventura, JD and Mary Reed

Children often fear that they will lose one of their parents in a divorce or that their parents will abandon them and they will have to fend for themselves. Therefore, both of you need to convey in your words and deeds that you will always be there for them. Here are some guidelines for telling your children about your decision to divorce:

Agree on what you're going to say. It is best if you and your spouse can take the time to determine what you are going to say about your divorce before you talk with your children. Get your story straight so that you don't contradict one another or argue while you are breaking the news to your kids.

Tell them as a couple. If possible, you and your spouse should tell your children about your divorce together, even if it requires putting your animosity aside for a while. You will convey to them that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, and that they still have a family — just a different kind of family — and you will both remain actively involved in their lives.

Play fair with each other. You should both agree that when you talk with your children, neither of you will blame the other for your breakup or encourage your children to side with one of you against the other. Both behaviors are unfair to your children and can inflict irreparable emotional harm. When you criticize the other parent, your comments can backfire on you — your children may side with the parent you have maligned, and not with you.

Be honest. Be honest with your children about why you are getting divorced, but remember to keep their ages in mind and avoid sharing the lurid details behind your split. Tell them as much as they need to know and no more. If you haven't been able to hide the discord in your marriage, you may want to acknowledge what your children already know by saying something like, "We know that you've heard us fighting a lot, and here's why. . . ."

Be realistic. Don't hide the fact that life is going to be different for everyone in the family because of your divorce. Prepare your kids for some of the changes to come. Then reassure your children that your divorce has not and will not change your love for them and that you will continue to be involved in their lives. However, don't promise them things you can't deliver.

Above all. Be very clear with your children that your divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them. Otherwise, they may feel somehow responsible for the divorce and assume that if only they had behaved better or gotten higher grades you would not be ending your marriage.

For information on how to purchase this publication, please visit www.dummies.com

What Matters by “Kevin, Age 24”
Excerpted from UpToParents.org

What strikes me most in looking back is how my older sister and I would spend so much energy taking the temperature of everything. When the fight was on or, maybe worse, when I thought it was about to start up, I looked out for everything. In a second, teams and school and friends didn’t matter. And what seemed to suck up all my energy were the smallest things. What rooms was my mom in? Was my dad too close? Did the stupid dinner rolls get burned? Did dad forget something from the store? Did my mom start to refer to my dad as “your father”?

I listened for any clue for how life would go. How did my mom sound when she said she needed help with the dishes? Was it a request, or was it a complaint? How was my dad going to interpret it?

Mostly, I think I listened for how things were touched. How hard the salt was put down after somebody used it. The way the dog’s food can was slapped against her bowl to get the food out. Was the extra banging just my imagination, or was the world about to explode? I listened for the way doors sounded when they were closed. My mom and dad loved to fight with slamming doors.

And when all this was going on, all I could think about was how ashamed and scared I felt, and whether there was some way I could get them to stop.

A counselor used to tell me I shouldn’t feel responsible for what they did. I know that’s right, but even now those still seem like just so many words.

UpToParents.org is a free, confidential and interactive web site for divorcing parents. For more information, please visit www.uptoparents.org

Our privacy policy is available online at www.childcenteredsolutions.org/privacy.html

CCS is a public benefit corporation that has been incorporated in the state of Oregon and is recognized by the Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization.

© 2007 Child Centered Solutions